one of those days.

For of all the sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these ; "It might have been."

John Greenleaf Whittier.

today is one of those days that i miss him - the lonely i-wonder-what-he-is-doing days. i dont have them often, hardly at all, but once in a while i do. i am not sure why it is that i sometimes still miss him. its been more than two years since we broke up for the second time. maybe losing him bothers me a lot than i let myself believe. sometimes, i hate myself because i know that i am to blame.
***
the first time i met him, i was completely infatuated with him. i just knew that i had to be with him and a few days later, i was. for a while, i thought my life was perfect. he was older and more mature than previous boyfriends were; he knew how to have a real relationship that meant something. i was always happy, and i always felt beautiful around him.
***
eventually, my immaturity began to surface. i started to feel like my freedom was dwindling. i still cared about him a lot, but i was feeling exhausted. we soon began fighting. he started pushing me away, saying things like 'people change. feelings change. you just have to learn to live with that.' i had never felt so hurt in all my life. i felt as though the past year had been nothing but lies. i was left without any reasons, wondering why i had lost him. i was hurt, angry and lost. i wanted nothing more than to cry myself to sleep and never wake up.
***
i dated other guys, but he would creep into my thoughts at least once a day. none of the guys measured up to him; none of them gave me the special feelings that i longed for day after day. then one day, weeks after our breakup and i finally settled myself down in france, he called out of the blue. after a long conversation, he revealed that he wanted me back. and i wanted him back. so after a few more emotionally charged talks, we got back together. it almost felt as if no time had passed since we were last a couple. we were happy and i felt complete again. sometimes, my adoration for him would overwhelm me. never before and after, have i ever cared about a boy so strongly.
***
after a while, though, i became too busy with my life to be able to put so much energy into the relationship. he felt like i was betraying everything that we had, everything he had worked for. and in a moment of anger, i felt like he betrayed my trust in the worst way. we broke up, for the second time. i held a grudge for a long time. my pride was wounded and my feelings torn.
***
with time, we were able to be friends again. we had given it two tries and it seemed it wasnt meant to be. what i learned from him and the relationship was worth all the painful times we went through. there were many happy memories too. i heard a quote once that rang loud and true : 'You always believe your first love to be your last and your last to be your first.' for me, he's been both. we shared secrets and laughs, rainy nights and sunny days. though we experienced many storms together, we taught each other valuable lessons about life and love. the way i was able to look at myself in his eyes was one of the most amazing feelings ive ever had. but, there comes a time when the feelings start to fade and the memories become bittersweet. a time where all that you can do is hope that somehow he will realize what a difference he made in your life and how he contributed to the person that you've become.
***
i cant ignore the feelings that once were. i can, however, let go and remember. [:

xoxo
yana