Cold Feet, Warm Purse

I'm scared.

I'm scared of going back for good. It never really hit me until very recently, when I realized I will no longer be going back for food. This time, I'm going back for good, if I do not have to repeat any paper lah.

The question is why am I scared?

Because going back for good means I will have to start a new life. Not alone, but ensemble, à deux. Even after I got married, I'm used to living alone. Here, in Caen, I have a place of my own. My very own haven. And people still call me Mademoiselle. I used to think that being apart is going to help me to adapt to married life slowly. Going back for good will finally make my marriage official. More real. I'm the type of girl who asks her husband not to come home for lunch because she doesn't want to cook, yes, I'm THAT type of girl. When the Hubs told Abah about it, Abah said, 'Bertuah punya budak.' Ye, saya lah budak bertuah itu. Tak suka masuk dapur. Tsk. So, the thought of going back to reality kinda scares me. No more holiday. I'll have to do the work. I'll have to face the fact that I'm now a married woman and everyone will call me Mrs. No more jeune demoiselle. *sobs* I hope the Hubs isn't going to be too hard on me. *batting eyelashes*

I always thought of going back to Malaysia as a holiday. So, when I go back, I never really do anything except lazing around the house, watching TV or read a book. Internet becomes of little importance when my loved ones are around. As an avid reader, holiday is when I spend most of my time reading. I can curl up under the duvet and lock myself up in my room, and read the day away while everyone else thinks I'm sleeping. Mama said 'Budak ni bukan boleh bagi buku, nanti semua kerja tak jalan.' When I go back for good, no more lavish time for books. 'I am on hols' excuse will no longer be taken seriously by the family. *sobs*

I'm a quiet person, IFYOUDON'TKNOWMEPERSONALLY. I'm only loud around those I'm comfortable with. I'm sure I will have to make new acquaintances once I'm home for good. I'm a nomad, I make new friends all the time, so what difference will this one make? This time, it ain't gonna be easy. My dad and husband work in the same field. My husband married his boss' daughter : MOI. And I guess you're clever enough to figure out my worry. So, basically my mom and I will move in the same circle. I only hope they will acknowledge me as a wife, like the others, not as my parents' daughter. Why am I saying this? Because I heard some stuffs when I went back last month, people were questioning what am I gonna be like when I get there. When I asked why were they asking, the answer I got was, 'Sebab awak kan anak *****' Belum ku pulang sudah bercerita. *sobs* But I know there are some nice people there, because I've met them. Hopefully they're going to be nice all the time and help me mingle. LOL!

Last but not least, I'm scared of working. I mean, I work now, part time, it's not the same as working full time. I enjoy teaching. In fact, I love it when my pupils love me more than their own teachers. I love the fact that they can confide in me, it shows that they trust me. I love when they enjoy my class and do not want to leave early. I love it when they make an effort in class, at least I know they try. Yes, there are problematic pupils, but they are kinda mellow with me, not as aggressive as with their own teachers. I guess that's a yay for me! My worry is, when I'm back for good, my working environment isn't going to be the same. I may not get the same kinda attention I get here. I may not be as appreciated as I am here. I may not be liked by some. I'm afraid of being one of 'em loathsome teachers. *sobs* Soooo takut. But I'm gonna keep my fingers crossed, hoping that everything will be alright. Plus, my cousin once said to me, Kau ni campak mana pun boleh survive!' Let's just hope he's right!

Anyways, that's enough of whining for today. Oh by the way, guess what?!! Jeng jeng jenggggg.....

Me went shopping again!

*ignore the eyebags please, time of the month!*
It wasn't the plan at first, I wanted to go to my friend's place to take my notes from her but she was out so I had to wait in town for a couple of hours and ended up buying more stuffs! I can't go out! The sale is irresistible! Even when it's raining! And I thought I wouldn't survive the crowds. Boy, was I wrong! Shopaholic, even in heels, with throngs of people, always manage to buy a little something for herself! Dah balik rumah baru rasa sakit kaki. *sigh* That's it, no more outings for me until February! Which is just two weeks away. Let's see if I can get through this. Heee! Wish me luck!

Gotta go. Traaa!~

Moi xx
Listening to : Without You - Chris Brown