Have A Little Faith

I had, possibly, the worst day ever. It started last night, actually. I had this bad feeling, as if today wasn't going to be a good day, and boy, was I right! I woke up today with a nosebleed and high temperature. Then everything else just kept getting worse. I'm so sad. At times like this, I miss Mama because she always knows what to do. Whenever I'm sick, she'd bring me breakfast in bed, along with medicine, then she'd ask me to take my shower so she could bring me to the doctor later. So now, when I feel terribly sick and she's not around, I feel worse. And I feel really lonely.

When I was little, I was really lazy to do my homework. Mama got fed up with me that she dragged me to the trashcan and asked me to throw the laziness away. So I'd go like 'I'm throwing you away, laziness' with hand gestures, okay. Macam buang betul-betul. From my heart, to the trashcan. Because I believed in it, tiba-tiba je jadi macam rajin sikit. Sikit je la tapi. The same thing when I was about to feel sick, she'd tell me to tell the feeling to go away and she'd tell me to go outside and play or whatever. So last night, when I was starting to feel under the weather, I kinda told the feeling to go away, but it didn't work. Probably because I'm a grown up and magic is not supposed to happen to grown ups anymore. ;(

As I'm feeling unwell, my emotion is a bit unstable too. TIPU. Sangat unstable, ok. I cried, like the whole day. I really did. I thought of going to the bank because I received my bank statement yesterday and all I could say is, OHMAIGOD, I need to stop shopping. I was already on the tram, halfway there, I got off, and WALKED back. Yes, I jalan kaki balik and menangis at the same time. Macam dalam filem. When I reached my place, menangis tukar jadi meraung. I wanted to call my parents, especially my Mom, but if I did, I'd make her worry and I don't want to do that. She'd ask me to mengucap and istighfar banyak-banyak. And with me meraung, it's not helping because I couldn't talk, even if I could, incoherently. When I said meraung, I mean meraung bersungguh-sunguh, sobbing, hiccups, hingus meleleh semua ada. Zip boots stuck buat I meraung lagi kuat and campak boots tu.

I had to teach at 14h40, still menangis, ok. Dalam tram tu tersedu-sedu. Kalau orang tengok mesti dia ingat I sakit. Bila menangis, my eyes became puffy. The teachers thought I was stressing over exam (oh, bila cakap pasal exam, I tak study hari ni, ruginya!) and even my pupils thought I looked sad. Hmm. Luckily I only had one class today. So bila sampai rumah, sambung meraung, boleh tak? I seriously have no idea what has gotten into me today. I finally fell asleep because I was tired of crying. Sampai pedih mata. My body temperature is still high and doesn't look like it's going down anytime soon. And all I want right now is to be with my loved ones. ;(

I told the feeling to go away, even on Facebook (apakah?), but it didn't. Maybe because I stopped believing in it. I guess sometimes all I need is to have a little faith. Just a little.

Juliette xx
Listening to : -